A little dose of funny

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked. "Well, no, Mom… But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?" Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house.." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

“Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” Mark 10:14-15

While we're on the subject of holy...

Thank you, Pastor Dustin, for that thought provoking and convicting message on holiness yesterday. What am I talking about, you might ask? Well, get thyself to Avalon Church next week and you won't miss out.

In the aftermath of the message and the challenge issued yesterday I want to reiterate the definition of holy (or hágios in the original Klingon Greek):

• specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: as in holy ground
• entitled to worship or veneration as or as if sacred
• having a spiritually pure quality 
• dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion

Given that, I think my first order of business in applying holiness to my life is to stop using the word "holy" to refer to anything or anyone but God. I mean, really, what's so special about Toledo that it needs to be referred to as holy? Or guacamole? Really? How about crap? Do you actually mean to take God's primary attribute, the only one that is repeated when listed (Is. 6:3, Rev. 4:8) and associate it with a pile of dung? As Paul might say, "May it never be!" Although, I suppose if you're one of the people mentioned in Ezekiel 22:26:

Her priests have done violence to My law and have profaned My holy things; they have made no distinction between the holy and the profane, and they have not taught the difference between the unclean and the clean; and they hide their eyes from My sabbaths, and I am profaned among them.

Then you might be doing it on purpose, but if you're not, consider stopping. There are a couple other words I've been working on using only for God as well:

• Awesome. Meaning, showing or characterized by awe. And who or what else is? A pizza? A car? Compared to the Creator of the universe, it seems to me that everything else sort of falls off into insignificance.
• Glorious. Oddly enough I picked up the habit of using this word after watching the movie Demolition Man. But I've come to realize lately that it just doesn't apply like I've been using it. After all, can anything you can survive looking at (Ex. 33:20) really be called glorious?

So that's part 1 of my personal holiness challenge: a vocabulary update. After all, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt. 12:37)

What words do you reserve for God?

The bad kind of anniversary

Today marks one year since my father-in-law died (chronicled here) and we're still waiting for that "time heals all wounds" thing to kick in. Obviously, life has gone on and the world has continued to turn in his absence, but it's still a little less full and happy than it used to be. A few examples:

Christmas ornaments. Mike was well known for hand carving several dozen ornaments every year, and being on the list signified that you had "made it" with him. This project started early in the year, and last year he had only finished carving about sixteen of them. Heather (with a little help from me) finished them off to make them presentation worthy, but having to narrow the list down by 80% was not, in any sense of the word, fun.

A card shortage. Mike sent cards for nearly every holiday somebody made cards for: St. Patrick's Day, Halloween, sometimes even Mother's Day (we did raise several cats, after all). Seeing nothing but bills in the mailbox as these days approached has been an unpleasant reminder of our loss.

No touristy long weekends. "Dad's coming to visit!" used to be Heather's favorite phrase, and she would do her little happy dance as one of his trips came closer. He would always let us drag him all over greater Orlando, let's go here, now let's go here, when all he really wanted to do was spend time with his girl. And as much as it annoyed me at the time when the two of them would make a scene arguing over who was going to pay for everything, I find that I miss having to find new stealthy ways to pick up a check or physically blocking him from handing over his credit card at the ticket office.

I was reminded of a passage I read to Heather a year ago today, while we were trying to keep Mike comfortable at the end:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. (1 Thes. 4:13-17)

But the real point of that brief theology lesson is found in verse 18:

Therefore comfort one another with these words.

So that's what I'm doing. We'll meet again, Pop.