A little dose of funny

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked. "Well, no, Mom… But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?" Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house.." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

“Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” Mark 10:14-15

While we're on the subject of holy...

Thank you, Pastor Dustin, for that thought provoking and convicting message on holiness yesterday. What am I talking about, you might ask? Well, get thyself to Avalon Church next week and you won't miss out.

In the aftermath of the message and the challenge issued yesterday I want to reiterate the definition of holy (or hágios in the original Klingon Greek):

• specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: as in holy ground
• entitled to worship or veneration as or as if sacred
• having a spiritually pure quality 
• dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion

Given that, I think my first order of business in applying holiness to my life is to stop using the word "holy" to refer to anything or anyone but God. I mean, really, what's so special about Toledo that it needs to be referred to as holy? Or guacamole? Really? How about crap? Do you actually mean to take God's primary attribute, the only one that is repeated when listed (Is. 6:3, Rev. 4:8) and associate it with a pile of dung? As Paul might say, "May it never be!" Although, I suppose if you're one of the people mentioned in Ezekiel 22:26:

Her priests have done violence to My law and have profaned My holy things; they have made no distinction between the holy and the profane, and they have not taught the difference between the unclean and the clean; and they hide their eyes from My sabbaths, and I am profaned among them.

Then you might be doing it on purpose, but if you're not, consider stopping. There are a couple other words I've been working on using only for God as well:

• Awesome. Meaning, showing or characterized by awe. And who or what else is? A pizza? A car? Compared to the Creator of the universe, it seems to me that everything else sort of falls off into insignificance.
• Glorious. Oddly enough I picked up the habit of using this word after watching the movie Demolition Man. But I've come to realize lately that it just doesn't apply like I've been using it. After all, can anything you can survive looking at (Ex. 33:20) really be called glorious?

So that's part 1 of my personal holiness challenge: a vocabulary update. After all, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Mt. 12:37)

What words do you reserve for God?

The bad kind of anniversary

Today marks one year since my father-in-law died (chronicled here) and we're still waiting for that "time heals all wounds" thing to kick in. Obviously, life has gone on and the world has continued to turn in his absence, but it's still a little less full and happy than it used to be. A few examples:

Christmas ornaments. Mike was well known for hand carving several dozen ornaments every year, and being on the list signified that you had "made it" with him. This project started early in the year, and last year he had only finished carving about sixteen of them. Heather (with a little help from me) finished them off to make them presentation worthy, but having to narrow the list down by 80% was not, in any sense of the word, fun.

A card shortage. Mike sent cards for nearly every holiday somebody made cards for: St. Patrick's Day, Halloween, sometimes even Mother's Day (we did raise several cats, after all). Seeing nothing but bills in the mailbox as these days approached has been an unpleasant reminder of our loss.

No touristy long weekends. "Dad's coming to visit!" used to be Heather's favorite phrase, and she would do her little happy dance as one of his trips came closer. He would always let us drag him all over greater Orlando, let's go here, now let's go here, when all he really wanted to do was spend time with his girl. And as much as it annoyed me at the time when the two of them would make a scene arguing over who was going to pay for everything, I find that I miss having to find new stealthy ways to pick up a check or physically blocking him from handing over his credit card at the ticket office.

I was reminded of a passage I read to Heather a year ago today, while we were trying to keep Mike comfortable at the end:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. (1 Thes. 4:13-17)

But the real point of that brief theology lesson is found in verse 18:

Therefore comfort one another with these words.

So that's what I'm doing. We'll meet again, Pop.

Channeling John Stossel

Rev. To NJ Church Leaders: Thou Shalt Not Facebook

Give me a break.

“I’ve been in extended counseling with couples with marital problems because of Facebook for the last year and a half,” the Rev. Cedric Miller said. BECAUSE of Facebook? As in "Facebook made me have an affair." There are roughly 17,000,000,000 sites on the internet offering free porn and instant local hookups, but this is the one that caused your marriage to end.

I wonder if these people are aware they aren't being forced to become friends with their exes. Or that they can hide, or block, anyone they should not be in contact with. Blaming a social networking site for the breakup of a marriage is sort of like blaming the car dealer for a traffic accident. If they wouldn't make this stuff available things like this wouldn't happen.

It's a total copout, and it's really pathetic. There are obviously underlying issues in these marriages that are simply manifesting themselves through this avenue.

On Sunday, [Miller] plans to "strongly suggest" that all married people stop using Facebook, lest they endanger their marriage. 

I have a better idea. Learn to use Facebook properly, and explore, maybe through counseling, but definitely through prayer, if there are any problems lying under the surface before you end up in someone else's arms. Don't pass the blame off to some website when it's your own failure to remain dead to sin (Rom. 6:6-7, 12) that's the real cause of the issue.

This life group stuff is kind of hard

So in all the initial excitement over being invited to start a life group at church (documented here) I seem to have missed the part where there is actual work involved. I mean, really, get a leader's guide, throw a PowerPoint together, and poof - instant successful group. I thought Heather was going to have the hard part cleaning the house and making snacks. Looks like I forgot rule number one - I'm an idiot.

This started to come home for me as I was preparing for the first meeting in my curriculum. I was merrily going through the leader portion, pulling out bullet points, and came across this gem in the instructions (I'm paraphrasing a bit):

• Here you will want to do a survey of each book in the Bible, including the major themes and characters, and show maps and timelines of where and when events occurred.

No...wait...YOU were supposed to give me that! That's why I bought the leader's book! The meeting is tomorrow, this will take weeks to prepare. All is lost! Panic! Danger, Will Robinson! Fortunately, the guide also said how much time I spent on this was up to me, so I ended up choosing zero. There's more than enough other material in explaining how we got the Bible and why we believe it to fill an hour, anyway. So, crisis averted.

Figuring that I was so much smarter now, I was going to start the prep work for the next meeting during the off week. That way I wouldn't be caught off guard when the guide told me to write a fifty page thesis to hand out to the group members. Topic two: how to study the Bible.

Are you kidding me? Does Grace to You understand that these meetings are only an hour long? This could take all year. In fact, I'm sure there are college and seminary classes that do take all year to cover this.

Three and a half hours later I had compressed this into twenty-four slides and two pages of presentation notes with questions for the group. And I realized at the end that step one of "How to study the Bible" also should have been step one in "How to facilitate life group" - prepare by praying and asking for help with what you're about to do. Yeah, whoopsie. See rule number one back in the first paragraph.

Then there's the attendance thing. Pastor Jim warned me that life groups are full of people, and people will inevitably disappoint you, as has been evidenced by the several fits and starts with people expressing interest, then suddenly finding schedule conflicts preventing them from coming. Seems that if someone can get twenty people to show up for a candle party at their house, I should be able to get more than two people to consistently attend this. I'm sure that Heather is getting tired of me threatening to shut the group down if we don't get more people. I need to keep reminding myself that the size of the group isn't up to me, it's as big as God wants it to be right now. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though. I should probably say at this point that Daryl and Kelly, I'm grateful for your commitment to the group, and I don't really mean all that about shutting down.

So is there a positive side to this? As a certain divisive political figure might say, you betcha. After all those hours of meeting prep, I know more about how to study the Bible than I ever did. I have two new friends who are teaching me what life in grad school is like. And I have one of my longer blog entries to show for it too.

Next group topic? God: His character and attributes. I think I could spend the rest of my life on this and not run out of material. How am I going to fit that into an hour?

The meeting is in five days. If you'll excuse me, I need to go work on my slides.

Pastor Appreciation Month, late late edition: Skip Fengfish

I know I'm late. I also don't care.

Skip is the choir director and also runs the homeless ministry at Avalon Church. He also facilitates the Friday morning men's study, Man Alive! and an additional home group/life group. So he's a pretty busy guy.

The primary purpose of Skip's life is to bring Christ to people, and bring people to Christ. This is evident in everything, and I do mean everything, he does. Let's run the checklist from Galatians 5:22-23 and I'll show you, just from my limited experience with him.

• Love: this one's pretty obvious. Would anyone voluntarily spend their days in homeless camps ministering to people without love?
• Joy: spend a couple of weeks at Man Alive and this one become pretty plain too. Just about every other verse that we cover, Skip will practically burst with joy and amazement at what God has done for us.
• Peace: this one might be a little more elusive, especially after the near death of his daughter earlier this year, but it's still there. Ask him how he's doing and the answer will be along the lines of "the knuckles are white but the grip is strong."
• Patience: again, spend some time at Man Alive. The reason it takes us six weeks to cover two verses is Skip stays with us until we get it.
• Kindness: got this one too. No matter what manner of stupidity you may have engaged in Skip is never judgmental, and never plays the "what were you thinking?" card. It's more along the lines of "OK, let's fix this."
• Goodness: every week Skip gets up before 5:00 and makes sure the coffee is brewed and breakfast is out for the Man Alive group. Goodness from him, goodness for us.
• Faithfulness: Skip has been married for thirty-three years. I think we can put this one to rest.
• Gentleness: Skip can be a little bit intimidating due to his size, and having served in combat we know he's at least capable of being less than gentle. But other than the occasional too-firm handshake that might leave you wondering how you're going to get through the day one-handed, there isn't even a hint of malice in him.
• Self-control: see patience. The fact that he isn't throwing things at us on Friday morning and screaming "Don't you get it? It's right there in front of you!" speaks volumes.

So there you go. 9 for 9, which is a better average than I can put up. Take Philippians 4:9, replace "me" with "Skip" and you'll be on the right track.

Pastor Appreciation Month, part 3: Dustin Janney

Dustin Janney is the "Worship and Youth Pastor" at Avalon Church. This means he is in charge of all the music at church and is also responsible for the middle and high school ministry at the church. I heard a rumor a while back that Dustin had been asked to pick just one of these jobs to do, as he was so overworked trying to do both. Apparently whoever asked him that is still waiting for a decision.

Dustin is one of the most unassuming, charming, "aw shucks ma'am" southern gentlemen you could imagine - until he picks up his guitar and starts to sing. Then it's all passion and power. You'd never think that someone as soft-spoken as him could belt like he does until he goes and does it. I've often said that Dustin and Ross Fengfish (our extremely talented piano player) could sell a million albums if they wanted - but then they'd have to go on tour and I wouldn't get to hear them every week. So never mind.

I may not like or agree with all the choices that Dustin makes with the music at church (that's because I'm an old stick in the mud when it comes to contemporary Christian music) but there is no doubt that he believes every word he sings with all his heart. He is a fantastic embodiment of Psalm 57:7-11.

So no matter what the kids in 220 might say about you, Dustin, you're not a dork. You're a valued and appreciated member of my church family.

Also, his wife is hot. I know I'm in trouble for that, and she just might die from embarrassment, but I dare anyone to disagree with me.